DOGE-bags gone wild

This is a group photo of the boy hackers who are currently helping to dismantle our federal government in the name of “efficiency.”

Can you spot the virgins? (Trick question — they're all virgins.) In case you haven't met them yet, here are their names and CVs, from left to far right.

Gavin Kliger, 25. He allegedly gave up a 7-figure job at a tech firm to join DOGE, thinks COVID restrictions were "bureaucratic nonsense," and is a huge fan of Matt Gaetz and Pete Hegseth.

Ethan Shaotran, 22. A Harvard student who was a runner up at a hackathon for Musk's Grok AI project, and received a $100K grant from OpenAI.

Edward 'Big Balls' Coristine, 19. The grandson of a former KGB agent (who turned rogue and was executed), Tiny Testes was fired from a cybersecurity internship for allegedly leaking company secrets to one of its competitors, hung out on the regular with cybercriminals, and currently operates an AI chatbot in Russia. [1]

Luke Farritor, 23. A former SpaceX intern who wrote software for pumps, valves and other rocket components, Farritor won an award for using AI to decipher a 2,000-year-old Roman scroll, and is now applying his talents to denying funds to HIV/AIDs relief agencies.

Gautier Cole Killian, 24. Graduate of McGill who once worked at a firm specializing in high-frequency trading, which now apparently qualifies him for auditing the US Treasury and the EPA.

Akash Bobba, now 22. A Berkeley grad (Go Bears??) who has worked for Meta, Palantir, and the Bridgewater hedge fund, which is excellent training if the Career Objective on your resume is Supervillian Sidekick.

There are apparently about 25 of these DOGEbags roaming around DC at the moment, which means two dozen families just got their basements back. [2]

Allow me to quote the always funny and occasionally right Jeff Maurer, author of the I Might Be Wrong newsletter:

Much attention is being paid to the squad of barely legal mathletes that Elon Musk has tasked with restructuring the government. Wired reports that six Musk-approved whiz kids aged 19-24 are currently holed up in a General Services Administration office and are working around the clock to slash government spending. We still don’t know much about what they’re doing, how much access they have, or whether any of it is legal. But one thing does seem clear: That room must smell fucking awful. Six pimply-faced geeks working non-stop in a low-ceilinged GSA office? That room probably smells like a warm-weather fish cannery mixed with Satan’s ball sweat.

When not busy playing Mindcraft, filling condoms with shaving cream and tossing them at cars, or masturbating, they're taking a wrecking ball to the digital infrastructure at every government institution that was created to help people: Health & Human Services, the VA, the Social Security Administration, Medicare, and many others.

Get along little DOGEys

But not all of them. A tiny $45 million foreign aid agency is standing up to the DOGEbags. The US African Development Foundation, which was created in 1980 to distribute grants to African entrepreneurs and small businesses, is not going down without a fight.

First, its employees refused to let the DOGE teens into the building. Then they let the boys into the building but not into USADF's actual offices. The Clearasil Crew gained access the next day with the help of US Federal Marshals. But agency President Ward Brehm is now suing DOGE, correctly pointing out that only Congress has authority over the agency, not the White House. The most recent filing is a doozy.

For example: The DOGEboys attempted to fire the USADF's board members via email so they could install boot-licking Trump lackey Pete Marocco as 'the board'. But these boy geniuses couldn't figure out how to properly address the emails they had ginned up ordering the board's dismissal.

Per the suit filed by Brehm:

Defendants were too impatient to find the actual contact information for the Board members. Instead, it appears that they took their best guess as to email addresses, hoping it would be sufficient to send termination notices to email addresses that were close enough. It wasn’t....

The email to Chair Carol Moseley Braun was sent to a Gmail address, but she does not have a Gmail address. The email to Morgan Davis was sent to two email addresses that do not exist—one at a USADF address and another at a company for which he once was, but no longer is, a board member. The email to Jack Leslie was likewise sent to an inactive USADF address. And worst of all, John Agwunobi’s termination was sent to an email that both misspelled his name and used usadf.org instead of the proper usadf.gov domain.

So.... the pimple poppers currently taking a sledgehammer to our federal government — which the current occupant of the Oval Office declared "super geniuses" with IQs of 182 — don't understand how email domains work. Got it.

These are the same guys who failed to secure the databases behind DOGE's hastily constructed website, which was then broken into and defaced shortly after it went live.

As one of the USAFD employees told the Daily Beast:

“The thing that we’re starting to realize with the Trump administration is that Trump can either find people to hire that are loyal to him or he can find people that have two brain cells,” the person said. “But he can’t find the intersection of those two populations.”

Revenge of the Turds

It's easy to see why Elon recruited these guys. They're all children of privilege who've had an easy stroll through life. They’re intellectually gifted but morally vacuous. They've never had to rely on government help and thus assume it's unnecessary and "wasteful" for everyone else. They have no grasp of history, no idea what the federal government actually does. They're "hard core," are happy to log 90-hour work weeks because they have no lives beyond a computer screen, and probably see Elon as a father figure (while their real fathers are probably wishing they'd gotten that vasectomy 20 years ago).

While watching the DOGEbags flail is amusing in a we're-all-gonna-die-eventually-so-fuck-it sort of way, having the cast of The Goonies in charge of our country is no source of comfort. In any other timeline than the one we're trapped in, this would be seen for what it truly is: an attack on our nation.

What bad things did you you do when you were a teenager? Share your thoughts in the comments or email me: [email protected].

[1] Coristine is also heir to a popcorn fortune — because of course he is.

[2] Not all DOGE employees are still waiting for their testicles to drop. ProPublica maintains a running list of the department's staff here.