How I came *this* close to joining the Illuminati

Here’s how you know you’ve made it as a social network: the scammers have descended. Earlier this week I got not one but two invitations to join the Illuminati [1], a few moments apart, on my BlueSky account:

How could I refuse an offer like that?

Of course, the first thing every scammer does is move you off the social media platform to an encrypted messaging app like Whatsapp, Signal, or Telegram, where there’s virtually no danger of having their accounts banned. I chose the latter, because I occasionally use Whatsapp and SIgnal for legitimate purposes, whereas Telegram is a subway station toilet overrun by vermin in a bad part of town. [2]

There is where I met my mentor and guide to the dark domain of the enlightened elite,  Grandmaster James Douglas:

That’s one serious looking dude, though judging by the contents of the closet behind him, also a bit into cosplay.

“James” immediately tried to sell me on the benefits of joining his secret cabal, and I have to say, the offer was pretty enticing. The even bumped me up from $2M to $5M:

Still, I had questions. For example: If I’m going to be a member of a shadowy all-powerful cabal, shouldn’t I be driving something nicer than a Nissan Sentra? 

That bit about celebrities and world leaders also had me confused. Do I get to pick the celebrities/world leaders, or do they? Did I get to meet with all five at once, or spread them out over time? And did I have to spend the entire month with these people? I think even hanging with Taylor Swift might get a little boring after about 2.5 weeks.

I asked James these questions, or tried to. But he was pretty relentless about sticking to the script, selling me on the many benefits of joining this elite organization. He also shared the terms and conditions of membership. It turns out that the Illuminati is a lot like Fight Club, but with slightly less fighting. 

In addition to agreeing to all of this, I had to jump through a few hoops. “James” had me take a selfie with my left hand on my forehead, I guess to prove that at least one of the people having this conversation wasn’t fake. (He later had me take three more selfies using the official Illuminati hand gestures, which were actually standard-issue emoji for “OK,” “Love You,” and “Rock On, My Dude.”)

He also sent me multiple photos of people standing next to their new Nissan Sentra-equivalent vehicles, all taken at the same anonymous car dealership, as well as a brief video of some very old, very white men wearing silly garlands and milling about after a meeting at a Masonic Lodge – apparently to illustrate what would happen at my ‘initiation ceremony.’

And then, unprompted by any previous discussion, he posted this public service announcement:

I have to admit I was a little disappointed by this. I was really looking forward to some Illuminati-grade bloodletting, or at least ritually sacrificing a cloven-hooved animal or two. I guess I was being recruited by a reformist sect. 

After far too much of this bullshit, he finally got to the point of asking me for money. But give them points for creativity here. I was being asked to fork over $175 for the following initiation items: 

Edin? Origin? Mustard Seed?? Was I joining a clandestine brotherhood or becoming a ballpark frank? 

When I asked for an explanation, James proceeded to copy and paste an answer from Google’s AI assistant vaguely describing these items. I told him I was making my lunch and would get back to him. When I took too long, he called me via Telegram. I decided to pick up.

You would probably be unsurprised to learn that the voice on the other end of the line sounded less like a wizened neuromancer who might at any moment decide to turn me into a newt, just for sport, and much more like a 30-ish African male with a marginal command of English. 

I recorded our conversation and had it transcribed (you can listen/read here, if you’re really that into this) but it essentially boiled down to him urging me to send him money immediately, ideally via Bitcoin.

After ten minutes of this I said goodbye and hung up. He called back ten times in a row, until I finally blocked him.

Scam I am

Of course, the $175 was really just a test to see exactly how gullible I was. If I was really that stupid, James and his minders would have tried to bleed me for everything I had. A few years ago, US-based con artists running a similar Illuminati scam bilked a Texas farmer out of $1 million before the light finally dawned.

This is just a variation on the classic “Nigerian 419” advance-fee email scam, where you’re asked to help a recently deposed government minister transfer tens of millions of dollars out of his country, being paid 10% of that for your efforts, but only after you’ve deposited many thousands of dollars in the scammers’ accounts. 419 is the Nigerian criminal code that describes these crimes. I would guesstimate that 95 percent of all cons are advance-fee scams.

The Illuminati angle is a new one to me, but it’s apparently been around for a while. And now it’s found its way to BlueSky. 

Just how gullible do you have to be to fall for this shite? Are humans really that stupid? 

Then I look at whom 77 million Americans think deserved to be elected president, and I think, oh yeah. We really are. 

If you were forced to spend a month in the company of five celebrities, who’d be on your list? Share your thoughts in the comments or email me: [email protected].

[1] The Illuminati is an underground society of elites founded in Bavaria in 1776 that conspiracy theorists believe is secretly ruling the world (though not doing such a good job of that lately). The Illuminati are considered to be the inspiration for the French Revolution, as well as a series of popular-yet-shitty novels by Dan Brown.

[2] Telegram co-founder and CEO Pavel Durov was arrested by French authorities last July and charged with allowing his platform to be used for money laundering, drug trafficking, and kiddie porn. Nice place.