People 1, Billionaires 0

Last night's election results proved at least two things. One: Not everybody in this country has lost their minds, their morals, or their hope for a better future. And, two: Money not only can't buy happiness, it also can't (always) buy elections either. [1]

Today, Forbes published a detailed list of more than two dozen billionaires who donated at least $100,000 to a political group in this election cycle. Twenty-six of them spared some pocket change in an attempt to defeat Zohran Mamdani in his campaign for mayor of New York. Another four let a few dollars spill out of their bulging wallets to help Winnie Earle-Sears try to become governor of Virginia. Reebok CEO Paul Fireman (net worth $1.3B) tried to help two-time-loser for New Jersey governor Jack Ciattarelli across the finish line, while Charles Munger Jr. ($2.2B) fished around between his late daddy's couch cushions and came up with $30 million to defeat California's Prop 50 redistricting initiative. [2]

They. All. Lost. Big. Time.

The list of Mamdani haters includes a handful of folks who made mega dosh in the tech industry: Netflix's Reed Hastings ($5.8B), Airbnb's Joseph Gebbia ($7.7B), and IAC media mogul Barry Diller ($5B).

Not surprisingly, many of them are Nepo Babies. (Their motto: "We made our billions the old fashioned way — we inherited it from our dead parents"): Walmart heir Alice Walton ($110B), perfumiers the Lauder Family ($26B), the descendants of Loews Theater's Tisch brothers ($10B), oil barons the Hess family ($1.9B), strip mall kings the Simon family ($11.6B), commercial realtors the Dursts ($8B) and the Fischers ($1.6B) and the Elghanayans ($2.2B), the aformentioned Charles Munger Jr. (his dad co-founded Berkshire Hathaway), and the Fox News Murdochs ($24B), of course.

The rest are hedge fund moguls, real estate tycoons, or their spouses — you know, salt of the earth types, who would be happy to give you a ride across town in their bullet-proof steel-plated town cars but would rather die of terminal hemorrhoids than be caught riding the subway.

At least ten of the big contributors don't even live in New York. They're just terrified of a guy who says things like, "I don't think that we should have billionaires."

And maybe they should be.

As Melanie D'Arrigo, a community activist and former Democratic Congressional candidate, wrote on Bluesky:

If at least 26 billionaires can waste at least $27 million trying to defeat Zohran Mamdani, then those same billionaires can afford to pay an extra 2% on their income over $1 million to make New York a better, thriving city for everyone — including themselves.

Who’s afraid of the big bad socialist?

Billionaires are not the only ones afraid of the broad appeal of Mamdani and his eat-the-rich message. Besides the MAGAverse, which is losing its collective shit over this (pass the popcorn), that list includes most of the leadership of the Democratic Party and mainstream publications like the New York Times, which spent the last six months crapping all over his candidacy and did its best to smear him by claiming that he lied about his ethnicity on his college application.

None of them are comfortable with the relentlessly cheerful brown-skinned kid crashing the rich kids party. Mainstream Dems have gotten very cozy with billionaires since the Clinton administration; the Times likes to pretend it's still 1897, when its "all the news that's fit to print" motto was coined. [3] They like the power structures just the way they are, thank you very much.

Mind you, Mamdani's background isn't exactly salt of the earth. Dad is a well-published professor at Columbia, mom is a Harvard-educated award-winning director. He attended an exclusive private prep school. Those are some pretty natty suits he's sporting. It's not the usual CV you'd expect from a self-proclaimed Democratic Socialist. [4]

Also, he did once make a truly excruciating rap video under the stage name Mr. Cardamom:

Some things can't easily be forgiven.

What I'm saying is the man is not perfect and his future won't be easy. He's about to take on one of the toughest and most visible jobs on the planet, and there are a lot of rich powerful people sharpening their knives. Get ready for "Mamdani is coming to eat your children" propaganda from the Right and think pieces by the New York Times editorial board questioning the 'cut of his jib' and whether his job performance is 'up to snuff' after his first week in City Hall. Progressives will inevitably begin complaining he's not progressive enough about fill-in-the-blank. Mamdani is unlikely to achieve all of his campaign promises, and he might not be able to make any of them happen.

No matter. What matters is the message this election sent: that a government of the rich, by the rich, and for the rich will not stand, no matter how much these broligarchs are willing to spend.

Here come the bribes

Meanwhile, since we're compiling lists of feckless billionaires sucking up to power, here's the current roster of major corporations and grotesquely rich individuals donating money to build Trump's $300 million Golden Ballroom, aka White Trash Versailles.

Notice all the tech companies on this list? Remember them the next time one of them wants you to buy their products, or when they pretend — years after this Idiocracy era is over — they were really on the right side of history after all.

How would you spend your first billion? Share your largesse in the comments or email me: [email protected].

[1] To be fair, money manages to buy elections a vast majority of the time. Open Secrets’ "Did Money Win?" page notes that candidates who outspend their opponents win roughly 90 percent of their races.

[2] Forbes also notes two billionaires who contributed to helping Mamdani win, one in Virginia's race, and one helping support Prop 50. Apparently they did not see the memo about how billionaires are required to be evil.

[3] The folks who coined that Times motto are long dead, but the legacy of arrogance lives on.

[4] Despite all that, Forbes estimates Mamdani's net worth at around $200K. Shit, even I am worth more than that.