Uncle Scam Wants You!

We are living in the Grand Age of Grift. The Con Artist in Chief and his merry band of carnies, chisellers, charlatans, cheaters, swindlers, sharks, flim-flam men, fraudsters and fabulists, hucksters and hustlers, are about to pull off the greatest heist in history. And, as we wait for our collective pockets to be picked, the most galling thing to me is how stupid most of them are. 

It’s like a David Mamet play, but starring the cast from Idiocracy.

But this post isn’t about all that. It’s about a new scam – at least, one I had never encountered before – that very nearly nailed me.

Setting the hook

It started, as they often do, with a phone call.

(I know what you’re thinking: Why did I pick up the phone? Maybe it was because the area code was from a place I used to live, and my phone didn’t warn me it was a “spam call.” Maybe because I was bored senseless with a project I was working on and desperately needed a distraction. In any case, I did.)

On the other end of the line a stern male voice identified itself as Sergeant Brian McMillen of the Contra Costa Sheriff’s Department. Well, that got my attention. I immediately thought ‘Oh shit, what have my kids done now? Was this some outstanding warrant I didn’t know about?’

Sgt McMillen began by explaining that this was a “courtesy call.” I had been summoned to be an expert witness in a grand jury trial, had signed a subpoena saying I would appear in early October, but had not. As a result, Judge Steven Austin had issued warrants for my arrest for  Failure to Appear and Contempt of Court. McMillen even cited the relevant codes (18USC3146, and 18USC401). 

Expert witness for a grand jury? That was weird. But whatever.

I said, “Let me stop you right there, Sergeant. I was never given a subpoena, let alone signed one. What address was that sent to?”

He gave me the address. It was indeed where I used to live. I explained this was a mistake, I had not lived there for more than five years, and someone had clearly signed it on my behalf. I asked for the case number. He refused to give it to me, saying it was under seal. He said something about how he had a folder with my name on it and 100 pages of information inside, and did I really want him to break the law by opening it? 

He then gave me a choice. I could pursue the matter in criminal court in front of the judge, or I could treat this as a civil matter by showing up at the precinct, providing my signature, and proving that it did not match the one on the subpoena. I said yes, let’s do that.

So far, I was believing this bullshit. To my ear he sounded like a cop. Polite but humorless. Not excessively intelligent. I was even a little relieved that I wouldn’t have to drive hours from my home and show up in court.

He then passed me onto his “shift supervisor,” Lt. Dave Clark. 

Reeling me in

Where ‘McMillen’ was all business, ‘Clark’ was homespun and folksy. He explained that he was perfectly happy to put a “48-hour freeze” on the citation, so I could come in and clear it up before they issued a bench warrant. I told him I was traveling and wouldn’t be back home until the following week. He said, no problem. All I would have to do is show up at a “retail location” and present a “surety bond” to the tune of $1500. In cash. And that this money would be returned to me via certified check after my name had been cleared.

I said, “Sorry, I smell a rat. You need to show me some proof that this is real.” He said he would “ask the girls downstairs” to email a copy of the subpoena I had signed. He then disappeared off the line for about three minutes. This is what he sent me.

There are a number of things off about this document. First, judging by the partially obscured address and the name of the court clerk, this is actually a form for the Southern District of Texas in McAllen. Second, they put “my” signature where the Clerk’s signature should appear. Third, these clowns said that this was a “summons” (not a subpoena) from “the District of California” (there are four districts in California). Fourth, it’s missing the second page where the process server was supposed to sign, not me.

Finally, it was sent from this email address: [email protected]. USA.com is yet another shitty online search engine, not associated with the US government.

“Dave” had clearly downloaded a blank form off the Web and doctored it for the call – hence the three-minute silence. 

I told the good Lieutenant that I had to think it over. He said, “It makes never no mind to me if you want to go to criminal court.”

Dial M for Morons

When I hung up and called the Contra Costa Sheriff’s Office, they had heard all this before. They also said the phone call was a dead giveaway – sheriffs never call, they communicate through the mail or in person. They added I could file a report, but it wouldn’t go anywhere, and instead directed me to the FBI’s Internet Crime Complaint Center.  

In retrospect, the scam seems obvious. When you’re on the phone, however – and I was on the phone with these assholes for almost 40 minutes – it’s harder to see the holes. 

Here’s another thing. These grifters had done their homework… somewhat. There really is (or was) a Sgt Brian McMillen and a Lt. Dave Clark with the Contra Costa Sheriff’s Office. There really was a Judge Steven Austin, though he is a retired state civil judge, not a federal criminal one. Those are the correct USC citations for failure to appear and contempt. 

They had my information mostly correct, though they also thought I still lived in Contra Costa, probably because one of those insufferably shitty people finder sites (TruePeople) had me listed there through August 2024. But mostly they had hardened their story enough so that it would pass a cursory Google search while they were pressuring me on the phone.

It turns out that the Failure to Appear For Jury Duty Scam is a thing, and it’s happening all over the country.

I present this story mostly as a warning. These guys weren’t exactly brain surgeons, but they had their scam down well enough to fool most people. Given the way things are going, they’ll probably get a job in the next administration. 

Have you ever been successfully conned? Confess your shame in the comments or privately via email: [email protected].