Want a job flipping burgers? Talk to the robot.

By now we're all aware that the robots are gunning for our jobs. We also know bots are used extensively to screen applicants for the jobs they can't be bothered to take. Now, it seems, they're conducting interviews and evaluating personality traits to determine if you have the right stuff to make it in the minimum-wage economy.

As first reported by 404 Media's Emanuel Maiberg [1], companies like McDonald's, FedEx, and Darden Restaurants (owners of Olive Garden and other chain eateries) are using bots to interview applicants and step them through an extensive, and exceedingly odd, personality test.

The company behind these tests is Paradox.ai, which calls its trait assessment tool (predictably and obnoxiously) "Traitify." [2] Traitify presents a series of cartoonish scenarios starring a blue- skinned character named Ash, and asks you to determine whether you relate to Ash's behavior or reject it. It then evaluates your personality based on your answers, and gives you a full report detailing what kind of human it thinks you are.

Is it just me, or does Ash look like the love child of Papa Smurf and Agnes Crumplebottom from The Sims?

To get the full Ash experience, I applied for a service job at Olive Garden via "Olivia," their online chat avatar. Because you never know — this whole writing-for-money gig could go tits up at any moment. The process was even weirder than I imagined.

Making an Ash of myself

There's something like 80 of these scenarios, all of which look like they're taking place in some alternate alien universe. I won't oppress you with them all, but here are some of my favorites.

Bad things happen when I ride weird bicycles.

Leaves really piss me off.

Guess it was a bad idea to drop acid before taking this test.

OK, who farted?

If you're curious about dinosaurs, does that make you di-curious?

I'll eat the cake, but I'm not wearing that stupid f*cking hat.

Just how deeply into cosplay are you? Are you wearing a Gandalf costume right now?

What kind of asshole would take the last two pieces of pizza?

Would you like some dipping sauce with your breadsticks?

At the end of all of this, Paradox presented me with a detailed assessment noting my "Big Five" personality results [3], based on my (mostly truthful) answers. It turns out that I am a Dreamer.

It could be worse. Other options are Mediator, Listener, Energizer, Thinker, Producer, Campaigner, Defender, Bloviator, Transformer, and Terminator. [4]

It also turns out I am thoroughly and irretrievably mediocre.

Paradox's motto is "Make hiring more human," which is, well, paradoxical at best. I'm not sure how slotting everyone on the planet into a handful of predetermined categories based on how many pieces of pizza they take from the box is a more human way of hiring people.

I guess that means I'm just not Olive Garden material.

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[1] I gotta say, 404 Media has been knocking it out of the park lately. They've broken a bunch of big stories -- like that Russian fake passport generation service, OpenAI data leaks, and deepfake nudes. If they're not careful, some hedge fund will snatch them up and put them out of business.

[2] Honestly, adding "-ify" to the end of words to make them sound cool got old ten years ago. Can someone please removify them?

[3] The "Big Five" personality traits are Openness, Conscientiousness, Extraversion, Agreeableness, and Neuroticism (OCEAN), and it's apparently a common and somewhat controversial way to measure prospective wage slaves. Sink or swim, amirite?

[4] Just kidding about the last three.