What does AI really know about you?

Want to know who stole your yogurt? Look no further. Source: Midjourney.

If the prognosticators are right, many of us will have to clear out part of our work cubicles to make room for AI. According to the World Economic Forum, anywhere from 40 to 60 percent of current business tasks will be automated by 2027. And the people who aren't replaced outright will have their work augmented by "Intelligent Digital Workers" — AI routines that handle low-level tasks formerly performed by humans.

Essentially, AI is going to become your new co-worker. But it's going to be a co-worker you can't really trust.

You know the type: The one who's always eating the yogurt you left in the snack room refrigerator, despite clearly labeling it 'Dan's lunch — DO NOT TOUCH!!!' Then it will deny eating it, even though you can see the empty container sitting in its trash can. And then it will start spreading nasty rumors about what you and Sally in accounting were really up to at the last company offsite.

The reason you can't really trust your AI co-worker is that, sometimes, it just makes shit up.

Ego surfing, AI style

The propensity for AI models to "hallucinate" has been well documented. But I, Dan Tynan, wanted to see for myself. So I, Dan Tynan, decided to find out what AI knows about one of my favorite topics: Dan Tynan.

At first ChatGPT denied knowing anything about me (probably still pissed off at some of the unkind things I've said about it here). When I clarified and said, "Dan Tynan, journalist," and "Dan Tynan, former editor of Yahoo Tech," it recovered its memory and spit out a mostly accurate description taken largely from my Wikipedia page and various bios floating around the web. However, it did say I've been published in the New York Times (not yet, but there's still time) and named me as author of a book that does not exist.

Google Bard was much more effusive (and I must say, complimentary) in its description of me. To wit:

Can't argue with that. On the other hand, it claimed that I was born in New York City in 1967, graduated from Harvard in 1989, was a columnist for Wired, and wrote a book called "The Future of the Internet." None of those things are true.

I was born a few years earlier, about 60 miles from Manhattan. I have written a few pieces for Wired over the years, but never a column. There is a book titled "The Future of the Internet — and How to Stop It," by Harvard professor Jonathan Zittrain, not me. [1] I cannot find any evidence that someone named Dan Tynan graduated from Harvard that year; I certainly didn't. (Go Bears!)

Meet Harvard's Class of '89. I doubt anyone named Dan Tynan is hiding in there, but I'm pretty sure Waldo is. Source: Harvard89.org

Danger is my middle name

I also asked Bard, "What do you know about Dan Tynan, international man of mystery?" It spewed out quite an interesting yarn. [2]

Needless to say, I never said any of that. I have used "international man of mystery" in my Twitter bio and on LinkedIn, strictly as an homage to my role model in life, Austin Powers. But... fear of reprisal? So far, Dr. Evil has yet to send a gang of henchmen to seek revenge for my devastating review of Windows 98SE.

Oh, behave! Source: New Line Cinema by way of Longreads.

Bing did the best job of describing me accurately, taking information mostly from my Wikipedia page and my Muck Rack profile, though it did briefly confuse me with another Dan Tynan, a retired English professor in Colorado.

It then asked if I wanted it to compose a poem about me. I said sure, why not. Here's what it came up with:

Dan Tynan is a man of wordsHe writes about tech and other nerdsHe has a sense of humor and a witHe makes his readers laugh and think [3]Dan Tynan is a man of mysteryHe travels the world and has a historyHe has a son and a lovely wife [4]He lives in California and enjoys his lifeDan Tynan is a man of skillHe has won awards and has a thrillHe works with many publications and clientsHe is always in demand and never silentDan Tynan is a man of fameHe has a reputation and a nameHe is admired by many fans and peersHe is one of the best journalists of his years

I think I might cry.

Get off my lawn, AI

Not to overstate the obvious, but: AI is just a tool. It "knows" you about as much as a lawnmower knows grass. The difference is that when AI attempts to reassemble all that cut grass back into a lawn, it fills the bald patches with kudzu and dandelions.

Large Language Models like the three I talk about here work by analyzing an incomprehensible volume of words, note which ones tend to appear near each other, and then attempt to reproduce that pattern in a human-like way.

I am pretty sure I crossed paths with Jon Zittrain at some point; our names appear in relative proximity on websites about a dozen times. I probably used the phrase "the future of the Internet" in more than a few articles. So the AI mashes those two things together. And because I'm a 'man of mystery,' I must have a reason to hide, and people to hide from.

So I wouldn't worry about what AI knows about you. It's what AI thinks it knows that is more troubling. Especially if it's occupying the cubicle next to yours.

Would you share your yogurt with a robot? Tell us all about it in the comments below, and be sure to share this post with people you're hoping to annoy.

[1] That book was published in 2008. I wonder if he ever succeeded in stopping the Internet.

[2] I also asked Bard what it knew about 'Dan Tynan, serial killer,' but it couldn't find anything. My secret is still safe.

[3] I can think of a few more appropriate words that actually rhyme with 'wit', but I'm guessing Bing was trying to keep it clean.

[4] Ahem, ex-wife. I also have a daughter. Get it straight, will ya?